A Guide for Adoptive Parents: What to Expect

The process of adoption is a long, difficult journey. However, you faithfully went through it, knowing that in the end, you would go home with your child. In the beginning, there may be a rush of feelings of happiness and excitement to finally bring your child home. After a while, the situation sinks in deeper, and you might start to wonder if you will be capable of being a good parent or if the child will even adjust to your family. Feelings of guilt towards the birth parents and how they are missing out on their child’s life may arise, and feelings of sadness that the child was deprived of their birth parents could also come up. We are here to reassure you that you are not alone, and that these distressing feelings are common. Adoption is a lifelong journey, filled with many emotions and worries that we are going to address together.

A Message to Adoptive Parents:

Adoption is an emotionally charged and complex topic. It is a wonderful, life-changing event. However, there are plenty of challenges that both the children and the parents can face. It is essential to understand that every adoption story is unique, as there are many different circumstances surrounding each story, and each family may experience this process in a completely different way. Parenthood in general is very challenging; you go through many phases with your children, and it can sometimes feel draining. With adoption, there’s always a lot more on the parents’ minds regarding this journey and its accompanying hardships.

It is entirely normal for adoptive parents to be scared and overwhelmed; there are many moments when the parents might feel grief, fear, and even uncertainty. Adoptive parents want to give their children the best life they can. Still, they worry about getting their child to adjust to their new family, protecting them from people’s comments, healing from past traumatic events they may have experienced, and making them feel safe and wanted. We want to let you know you that although it may be hard at times, it can get easier with time, and you can help your child heal and adjust to their new family.

A lifelong conversation

Starting the conversation early on

Discussing adoption with your child is a lifelong conversation. It is best to start introducing the topic of adoption gradually from a young age, so that your child is aware of the concept to begin with. It can also be helpful to expose your child to books and movies about adoption, and to positive examples and portrayals of this experience. Waiting until your child is older and then to drop this huge piece of information on them may make it harder for the child to cope and accept it. They might feel a lot of intense emotions, such as betrayal, anger, resentment, and shock. Although it is recommended to start introducing the topic of adoption at a young age, it is equally important to be mindful of their age and what exactly can be disclosed, in order not to scare or confuse them.

Be open and honest

It is best to keep the topic of their adoption an open discussion without making it seem like a secret; every child deserves to know their story and where they came from. Being open will help your child adjust to this idea and not think of it as a secret or build negative associations around the concept of adoption. Establishing openness and honesty with your child will allow them to be more expressive. Try to be emotionally available with your child and encourage them to ask or express how they are honestly feeling, in order to walk them through the difficult emotions that they might be going through.

Birth Parents

Talking to your adopted child about their birth parents can be challenging for some parents. There are several emotions that can surface arise within both the parents and the child regarding this topic. Parents feel that they need to protect their children; they might feel jealous and threatened, and they could try to avoid this topic altogether. The child could also feel devastated; they could experience feelings of estrangement and isolation from the family and feel hurt or angry.

When introducing the topic of birth parents, experts recommend:

Being mindful of their age and choosing appropriate information to disclose at the suitable time.
Talking respectfully about their birth parents.
Explaining to them that the parents couldn’t give them the life they thought they deserved and wanted them to have a loving family that could give them the best life.
Making the effort to answer their questions about their birth parents, as they may feel naturally curious.
Giving them the choice to learn about their birth parents, meet them, or send updates about their lives to their birth parents, if this is an option.

Children are curious and their curiosity is a natural process. It is helpful to be patient and open with them, answer all their questions as best possible, validate their feelings and acknowledge how hard this is on them. Some children keep asking about their birth parents; they might even start wondering what their life could have been if they had stayed with their parents. This does not mean that they do not love you or that they want to leave you. It is normal to feel threatened or jealous then, or at any other point of this journey; this is a perfectly natural and human response, and it doesn’t make you an unfit parent. We encourage you to seek support in processing your own difficulties, so you can be the best version of yourself for you and your child.

Establishing Permanency

One of the main needs an adopted child can be longing for is that of permanency. This can be fostered by making them understand that your love for them is unconditional and unlimited, and that you are their forever family.

In order to establish permanency, you could also:

Start family traditions with your child.
Provide them with a sense of security.
Validate their feelings
Acknowledge that although the child has found a loving family, it is still regrettable that they had to go through these circumstances in the first place.

Understand that they may have traumas, fears, and feelings of abandonment.

Siblings

In the case of adopting a child while having other children, it is essential for the whole family to work towards making the child feel embraced and included. Below are a few helpful tips to prepare your other children for the adoption process.

Educate your children about the adoption process.
Try to include them in the whole journey and remain as open as possible.
Let them know you will be giving a lot of your time and attention to their new sibling
Address and acknowledge their feelings, never shame them for feeling jealous or angry; this is new and difficult everyone involved.
Be mindful of your children’s age when it comes to disclosing information about the adopted child’s family history
Make it fun for them, create a loving relationship between the siblings
Work together with your children to start family traditions that include the new child

Understand that feelings of estrangement will keep arising

It is important to understand that adoption always begins with a loss. Children may feel a sense of unwantedness, and they could feel abandoned by their birth parents. Acknowledging this fact will help you provide them with a sense of belongingness. Some emotions, like guilt, loss, and abandonment, might frequently arise. Try not to minimize these feelings of loss, as adopted children have faced the trauma of having their families give them up. They may also have identity crises at some point in their lives, usually during their teenage years. Recognizing the legitimacy of these emotions might help you understand your child and their behavior in a better way. This can positively impact your connection and relationship and help you work on ways to make life easier for them.

How to provide a loving home

Dan Hughes is a clinical psychologist specializing in treating children with severe emotional or behavioral problems. He suggests using the PLACE technique, which helps create a secure and comfortable place for your child and everyone else at home.

Playful

Increasing playfulness allows you and your child to bond and create moments of happiness. These moments help you understand that conflicts are only temporary and value spending time together.

Loving

There are many ways to show your child that you love them and that their well-being is a priority. As this message is successfully conveyed, the child gains a sense of safety and stability, increasing their confidence to explore and come to their true selves without fear.

Accepting

It is important for parents to accept their children the way they are. Receiving unconditional positive regard and acceptance from their parents allows children to be confident and secure.

Curious

When your child acts out, it can be tempting to criticize them or brush it off. However, demonstrating curiosity and trying to understand their triggers has proved more efficient in the long run.

Empathetic

Parents should be empathetic with their children; they should let them know that they understand the difficulties they are going through and try to help them heal. Adopted children will have a lot of difficult emotions; they need love and kindness to help them overcome past traumas and distressing feelings.

Conclusion

Ultimately, we would like to acknowledge all the parents going through the adoption process. We want to emphasize that although it is a challenging process, things can improve, and there are moments when you will feel that it was all worth it in the end. We have talked about validating the child’s feelings, but we also want to validate yours. Feelings of guilt, fear, confusion, and regret might come up; once again, it is entirely normal, and they do not make you a bad parent. You have the right to feel anxious and scared; remember that you are human, not just a parent, and your feelings are normal. In managing your parental expectations, try not to expect things to go as planned and put too much pressure on yourself. The last thing we want to tell you is that venting will help a lot. If you do not have a close family member or friend to confide in, you could try to join a support group for adoptive parents who can understand your struggles and help you reflect on possible conflict solutions.

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A Guide for Adoptive Parents: What to Expect

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